Friday, January 07, 2005

To Believe, Or Not To Believe?

As much as I try convincing myself that I'm "worthy" of success, deep down inside, I still don't believe it.

Can you believe that?

In a way, that's a good sign. It means my ego isn't totally out-of-check. It means I have a somewhat healthy view of myself as an average Joe.

But it also means that I'm still clipping my own wings. The ceiling has been built by me.

When will I learn?

Will I ever learn?

It's the same pattern over and over again. Make the team, and sit on the bench. Learn to draw, then put away the art supplies. Become a decent musician, and hide in the corner of a deserted coffeehouse.

I feel like I'm on the verge of something. Like something's going to pop. But contrary to popular belief, the popping isn't going to happen "out there" somewhere. It has to happen "in here" (he wrote, mentally pointing inside of himself).

What have I got to lose?

My guess is that I might lose a lifelong belief that I don't "belong" in the places where I want to be. Aside from that, I can't think of anything else.

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